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the grudge

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the grudge

im a grudge holder.

to the extreme.

one particular grudge ive held onto since elementary school. she was one of the numerous ‘Ali’s i grew up with. so many Alisons they insisted on all being called Ali and then the initial of their surname. no joke. and this one was Ali G. again, no joke.

she was to haunt me forever..who knew it would be in the form of a comedic jewish boy from england.

anyway, she was evil. maybe she still is. ive heard she designs her own shoes and is a marketing director. good for her….under my muttered grumbles.
she probably doesnt spent a second thinking about me or what she did to me back then but i think about her too often. and i still feel anger. deep childish anger, towards her.

she was the first. and i would like there to be a last. but how do you stop holding grudges? i dont live my life in anger but, when pushed, i can go to a bad place with it. a bad place for me, no one else. im the only one who suffers from it.

its something that i need to fix. its an awful feeling, holding a grudge.

and now i keep thinking about the movie. ive never seen it. it scares me a little. im a suck when it comes to shitty scary movies. im so jumpy.

weird.

grudges, i will conquer you!!

Love yourself.

 

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fat.

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fat.

Its a selfie kinda morning and yes, i filtered the bejesus outta this photo.
So this being super fat thing is hard. Its embarrassing. Its humiliating. Its depressing.But im beating it. And a big part of that journey is loving myself more than all that other shit…yes of course more than eating badly or not exercising but also, loving myself more than feeling ashamed or humiliated. Getting past what others think of me. Trusting that those who love me wont judge me.

So i dont venture outside my home much at all. For various reasons…mainly because walking or standing for long periods gives me major pain.
But today, today i am telling that pain to FO and im gonna walk around my back garden. Im still anxious about falling on the wet ground so rainy days im sticking to home. Drier days id like to get around the block.

Here i go!
Dont wish me luck, send me strength and positive energy xxxx
Much love.

the best is yet to come. (repost from a few years ago)

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i dont know if im doing this blog thing right. maybe i consider it more of a note pad where i can quickly jot thoughts down…i hope you dont care and just enjoy.

i was just on facebook  on one of my business pages, checking out some other pages and trying to do a bit of networking. a response to one of my comments got me to thinking how much people fear aging.

i dont at all. not one bit of me fears growing old. i may fear disease that could accompany the aging process such as osteoporosis or Alzheimer’s (please dont say old timers, you sound like an idiot) but the actual aging itself, whats to fear?

gram

my grandmother at 93.

wrinkles? wrinkles arent scary. they are lessons learned, choices made, heart-break, beautiful moments, tears of joy and sadness…they are your life leaving its mark.

grey hair? seriously? it’s just hair. it may suck coming in but just go with it.  you need to read a paper or turn on the news, there is so much more to be concerned about in the world around us than what colour your hair is or isnt, anymore.

to each their own, i know. i just feel that too much of how we operate in the western world is based on the celebration of youth…whats there to celebrate in youth except youth? it’s littered with mistakes and hard lessons and far too much loss and heart-break to keep track of…if i had a choice id want to be older. wiser. experienced. comfortable.

the only thing i miss from youth is all the sleep.

what i would give for a straight 12 hours.

 

bty

xo

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