so. i turned 39 last week. on a tuesday. i was born on a tuesday. early morning. 1:20 a.m. in the middle of a good Canadian blizzard. my dad wasnt there. he was in Libya. my mum and dad were living there but my mum was damn sure i was going to be born on Canadian soil..so i was. my aunt will happily tell you all about how she was my dad that day..she stood in for him. she comforted and supported my mother through it all. including my massive conehead.
right from the start my dad and i had an unsteady relationship. i have great memories of him during my early childhood….wandering the grounds of Dundurn Castle…shooting hoops at Earl Kitchener after dinner…watching Magnum PI and early morning soccer on the weekends. ive been emotionally scarred by his monkey impressions at my birthday parties and one Halloween party my parents threw when he dressed up as woman and tried to hug me…i had no idea it was him and screamed bloody murder as he inched closer to me.
then my mum and i left and i lost him. i lost him to my teenage years…teenage anger…teenage moodiness…teenage distance. i lost him because of his decisions, too.
and this week, on another tuesday, i lost him forever. i hadnt actually spoken with him in months..i can barely even remember what he sounds like. he never wished me a happy birthday this year but i blame shitty internet for that as he was in Tunisia. the last message i received from him, in early november, was a scanned copy of my birth announcement. i never got to say goodbye..wish him happy or safe travels…not even one more i love you. it hurts. i know he knew i loved him and i know he loved me but it still hurts.
im sorry for all the time we lost. i just want to hug you again. i cant even remember if i did give him a big hug the last time i saw him. i hope i did. i hope i hugged him tight and kissed his cheek and told him how much i loved him. i hope he thought of me the day he died. i hope he knew even through my anger i loved him. i was just a hurt little girl who missed her daddy.
inna ahebak baba
p.s. i miss you. i miss your corny jokes. i miss your great laugh, i miss your cheeky smile. im desperate for one last bowl of aseeda with you and one more cup of tea.
*title line inspired by John Lennon’s song “Mother“