When the deceased is someone who has hurt you, deeply, you can struggle with feelings of regret, guilt and shame.
Please hear this, you did nothing wrong. It’s grief.
You were only protecting yourself from more pain. How were you to know if he had changed? He never apologized or took ownership of the hurt he caused you. He didn’t make it easy to forgive him. But you eventually did. Maybe not all the way, but most if it. And you tried. You tried to make him a part of your life, again. A new part for him. No more, the dad. Maybe a friend?
The future will hold that secret forever. And thats ok. You loved eachother as best you could. You started to like him, again….and he knew it.
The months and years without speaking arent your fault…they just were. You cant regret those missed moments when they were never yours to have, anyway. He had those with others…and thats ok, too.
You did nothing wrong.
Its the grief.