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gimme a break.

Posted on
gimme a break.

Mistakes. Incidents. Accidents. Forgetfulness. Being human.

I have spent most of my life in an abusive relationship…

With myself.

Trying to change that is proving to be the hardest thing ill probably ever do.
We think thousands of thoughts each day…an internal commentary on our life. And what we say and the tone of that voice can make or break us.

For instance, what does your inside voice say when you forget to buy the milk? Break a glass? Hurt someone’s feelings? Neglect emails or messages…
My inside voice says, “youre an idiot…stupid, worthless, less than, bad friend, bad wife, shit sister, you cant do anything, you suck, youre a complete failure”, etc.
Its not pretty in there…and more often than id like to admit that inside voice comes out and i can be heard saying any one of these things outloud. Of course im immediately corrected by anyone within earshot because they’re right! Im not any of these things. like i said, its tough to unbreak.

But I’m working hard at it…one thought at a time.

Maybe two.


a gift for me.

Posted on
a gift for me.

When the deceased is someone who has hurt you, deeply, you can struggle with feelings of regret, guilt and shame.

Please hear this, you did nothing wrong. It’s grief.

You were only protecting yourself from more pain. How were you to know if he had changed? He never apologized or took ownership of the hurt he caused you. He didn’t make it easy to forgive him. But you eventually did. Maybe not all the way, but most if it. And you tried. You tried to make him a part of your life, again. A new part for him. No more, the dad. Maybe a friend?
The future will hold that secret forever. And thats ok. You loved eachother as best you could. You started to like him, again….and he knew it.
The months and years without speaking arent your fault…they just were. You cant regret those missed moments when they were never yours to have, anyway. He had those with others…and thats ok, too.
You did nothing wrong.
Its the grief.

Much love.

dont worry, just be.

Posted on
dont worry, just be.

worrying is such a silly useless emotion isnt it? i mean, anger, happiness, sadness are necessary and serve a purpose but worrying? really? it just stresses you out and causes more worry. its like an emotional tumour. i hate it. FUCK YOU WORRY!

im really good at not being worried. i can often talk myself out of it in a very logical way. worry is a great way to waste energy. energy that could be used for good. like loving someone, laughing, rubbing a kitty cat’s know the awesome stuff in life.  also, worry does nothing to solve the problem youre worrying about and often, worry precedes the problem itself…sometimes there isnt even a problem but lots of worry.

see what i mean? worry sucks!

of course, i have experienced worry but i only worry when i truly have to, that is until recently and now i have complete empathy for those who worry constantly. its practically debilitating and encompasses almost every thought during the waking day. its horrible!

i hope this was the last of it for me. i really didnt enjoy it at all. it made me feel hungry and rage-y…much like steroids. i dont like steroids either.


bty xx

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