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my definition…is this

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my definition…is this

Do you struggle with failure?

I fucking do. Actually, it’s the fear of failure. Sometimes it terrifies me. It’s also stopped me from doing things…probably even held me back from being me.

I don’t do things because the fear of not being perfect at it straight away consumes me. How ridiculous! I only attempt things I’m fairly certain I’ll succeed at in one try. Think about that. All the things I’ve not done because I MIGHT fail.

I’m faced with that failure today and I’ve had my cry but it’s not going to hold me back this time. It’s my weigh day today and I gained 3lbs this week.

Does that suck? Yes.

Does it make me feel a bit shitty? Yep!

Does it mean I’ve failed? Just this week but not overall.

Does it mean I’M a failure? No, of course not.

Is it an excuse to give up like I’d normally do and go back to what I know and is “safe” in some weird way? Fuck, no!

I’ll dry my cheeks, cuddle my kittycats and jump back on the wagon because failing is only ok IF you keep trying to succeed.

I’m learning.

I’m redefining failure to me.


bty xx


dont worry, just be.

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dont worry, just be.

worrying is such a silly useless emotion isnt it? i mean, anger, happiness, sadness are necessary and serve a purpose but worrying? really? it just stresses you out and causes more worry. its like an emotional tumour. i hate it. FUCK YOU WORRY!

im really good at not being worried. i can often talk myself out of it in a very logical way. worry is a great way to waste energy. energy that could be used for good. like loving someone, laughing, rubbing a kitty cat’s know the awesome stuff in life.  also, worry does nothing to solve the problem youre worrying about and often, worry precedes the problem itself…sometimes there isnt even a problem but lots of worry.

see what i mean? worry sucks!

of course, i have experienced worry but i only worry when i truly have to, that is until recently and now i have complete empathy for those who worry constantly. its practically debilitating and encompasses almost every thought during the waking day. its horrible!

i hope this was the last of it for me. i really didnt enjoy it at all. it made me feel hungry and rage-y…much like steroids. i dont like steroids either.


bty xx


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do you ever find yourself sifting through facebook for ghosts from your past?

i’m refering to living ghosts…ya know, past friends, colleagues, etc.

i know some people do this and friend every person they’ve ever known in life and if that’s you, great. Not for me. I truly believe life leads us in different directions for reasons. I’m not going to say I haven’t desperately wanted to reconnect with certain people from my past but not all of them.  Most of the time i pretend to not remember them just to get out of some shitty small talk.

i do the Facebook Creep just to see what they’ve been up to since i vanished from their world…
i do it more often than i’d like to admit.  of course, i’m a decent human and i wish happiness, love and all good things (for most of them) but i  do wonder if they ever miss me. or was i forgettable? do they ever think about me or the fun we had? do they even hold onto one memory of me?
is this pathetic? be honest, i can take it.

certain people i have reconnected with, friended and its been amazing. others i have friended but find after a few months we have drifted away again.  most of the time i just sneak away without leaving a trace. except those awful instances where i’ve hit like on a picture or even clicked add friend accidentally and panicked then deleted as fast as possible! phew.


i swear, no more creeping…

~bty x

p.s. ive been humming this in my head while writing this post…


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