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when you’re a stranger.

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when you’re a stranger.

I moved. I moved almost two months ago. I moved house. I moved town. I moved country. I moved continent.

With me moved a husband and two gorgeous felines, none of them having moved this far, if at all, prior to this.

Oh, and we were busy doing small reno on our former home as we will be renting it. fun times.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post how I rarely stress out or worry in my daily life. I’m a bag of anxiety now. This process has affected me to my core. So much more than i wanted to acknowledge but here it is…panic attacks almost daily for the first couple of weeks after the move. I’m a wreck, still, but not everyday.

Moves are always tough. That’s change for ya. I feel like the move home is the toughest of all. Not only are you starting over…you’re having to start over in a familiar place with familiar people…a familiar life but however many years later. So you end up feeling lost. Trying to navigate yourself through this familiar world that has forgotten you.

Everyone has moved on cause that’s what people do after you leave. How do you reintroduce yourself into someone’s life? Especially with grown up children who were young when you left and adults upon your return….they’ve definitely got more priorities than me and its a hard reality for me to be confronted with. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve she’d a few tears over it. Then I recognize I’m the older one who needs to cop on and keep trying. Keep texting. Keep dming. Keep msging. Whatever it takes. I can’t give up. They’re stuck with me.

A stranger at home.

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gimme a break.

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gimme a break.

Mistakes. Incidents. Accidents. Forgetfulness. Being human.

I have spent most of my life in an abusive relationship…

With myself.

Trying to change that is proving to be the hardest thing ill probably ever do.
We think thousands of thoughts each day…an internal commentary on our life. And what we say and the tone of that voice can make or break us.

For instance, what does your inside voice say when you forget to buy the milk? Break a glass? Hurt someone’s feelings? Neglect emails or messages…
My inside voice says, “youre an idiot…stupid, worthless, less than, bad friend, bad wife, shit sister, you cant do anything, you suck, youre a complete failure”, etc.
Its not pretty in there…and more often than id like to admit that inside voice comes out and i can be heard saying any one of these things outloud. Of course im immediately corrected by anyone within earshot because they’re right! Im not any of these things. like i said, its tough to unbreak.

But I’m working hard at it…one thought at a time.

Maybe two.

do you promise not to tell?

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do you promise not to tell?

Secrets.
Some people love secrets.
For me, secrets are a subcategory of lies. And ive done enough lying in my life.
I don’t mean those silly little lies that save some ones hurt feelings or stop nuclear fallouts…mind you im not one to shy away from confrontation do i struggle with telling the little lies, too. I mean the big suckers.
Theres a lot i don’t say here because of secrets and lies. Its hard because i know in some way they need to be kept for some time but i cant stand being limited by someone elses choices.
Its also a struggle for me because for 5 years of my life I was told to lie to someone i loved by someone i loved. And i still struggle with the guilt and shame of those years and all if the hurt it caused. And yes, i know i was just a child and none of it was my fault. I know this, deeply, but i still have those feelings…and i have to acknowledge them. I no longer allow those feelings to make me feel like bad person or feed any negative thoughts but its been a long hard road to get to here and i wont let that happen again.

 

bty xx

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