RSS Feed

Tag Archives: life

gimme a break.

Posted on
gimme a break.

Mistakes. Incidents. Accidents. Forgetfulness. Being human.

I have spent most of my life in an abusive relationship…

With myself.

Trying to change that is proving to be the hardest thing ill probably ever do.
We think thousands of thoughts each day…an internal commentary on our life. And what we say and the tone of that voice can make or break us.

For instance, what does your inside voice say when you forget to buy the milk? Break a glass? Hurt someone’s feelings? Neglect emails or messages…
My inside voice says, “youre an idiot…stupid, worthless, less than, bad friend, bad wife, shit sister, you cant do anything, you suck, youre a complete failure”, etc.
Its not pretty in there…and more often than id like to admit that inside voice comes out and i can be heard saying any one of these things outloud. Of course im immediately corrected by anyone within earshot because they’re right! Im not any of these things. like i said, its tough to unbreak.

But I’m working hard at it…one thought at a time.

Maybe two.

Advertisements

do you promise not to tell?

Posted on
do you promise not to tell?

Secrets.
Some people love secrets.
For me, secrets are a subcategory of lies. And ive done enough lying in my life.
I don’t mean those silly little lies that save some ones hurt feelings or stop nuclear fallouts…mind you im not one to shy away from confrontation do i struggle with telling the little lies, too. I mean the big suckers.
Theres a lot i don’t say here because of secrets and lies. Its hard because i know in some way they need to be kept for some time but i cant stand being limited by someone elses choices.
Its also a struggle for me because for 5 years of my life I was told to lie to someone i loved by someone i loved. And i still struggle with the guilt and shame of those years and all if the hurt it caused. And yes, i know i was just a child and none of it was my fault. I know this, deeply, but i still have those feelings…and i have to acknowledge them. I no longer allow those feelings to make me feel like bad person or feed any negative thoughts but its been a long hard road to get to here and i wont let that happen again.

 

bty xx

father, you had me, i barely had you.*

Posted on
father, you had me, i barely had you.*

so. i turned 39 last week. on a tuesday. i was born on a tuesday. early morning. 1:20 a.m. in the middle of a good Canadian blizzard. my dad wasnt there. he was in Libya. my mum and dad were living there but my mum was damn sure i was going to be born on Canadian soil..so i was. my aunt will happily tell you all about how she was my dad that day..she stood in for him. she comforted and supported my mother through it all. including my massive conehead.

medadlamb2

right from the start my dad and i had an unsteady relationship. i have great memories of him during my early childhood….wandering the grounds of Dundurn Castle…shooting hoops at Earl Kitchener after dinner…watching Magnum PI and early morning soccer on the weekends. ive been emotionally scarred by his monkey impressions at my birthday parties and one Halloween party my parents threw when he dressed up as woman and tried to hug me…i had no idea it was him and screamed bloody murder as he inched closer to me.

then my mum and i left and i lost him. i lost him to my teenage years…teenage anger…teenage moodiness…teenage distance. i lost him because of his decisions, too.

and this week, on another tuesday, i lost him forever. i hadnt actually spoken with him in months..i can barely even remember what he sounds like. he never wished me a happy birthday this year but i blame shitty internet for that as he was in Tunisia. the last message i received from him, in early november, was a scanned copy of my birth announcement. i never got to say goodbye..wish him happy or safe travels…not even one more i love you. it hurts. i know he knew i loved him and i know he loved me but it still hurts.

23377222_10155770056558638_1950789973_o

im sorry for all the time we lost. i just want to hug you again. i cant even remember if i did give him a big hug the last time i saw him. i hope i did. i hope i hugged him tight and kissed his cheek and told him how much i loved him. i hope he thought of me the day he died. i hope he knew even through my anger i loved him. i was just a hurt little girl who missed her daddy.

inna ahebak baba

p.s. i miss you. i miss your corny jokes. i miss your great laugh, i miss your cheeky smile. im desperate for one last bowl of aseeda with you and one more cup of tea.

*title line inspired by John Lennon’s song “Mother

%d bloggers like this: