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my definition…is this

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my definition…is this

Do you struggle with failure?

I fucking do. Actually, it’s the fear of failure. Sometimes it terrifies me. It’s also stopped me from doing things…probably even held me back from being me.

I don’t do things because the fear of not being perfect at it straight away consumes me. How ridiculous! I only attempt things I’m fairly certain I’ll succeed at in one try. Think about that. All the things I’ve not done because I MIGHT fail.

I’m faced with that failure today and I’ve had my cry but it’s not going to hold me back this time. It’s my weigh day today and I gained 3lbs this week.

Does that suck? Yes.

Does it make me feel a bit shitty? Yep!

Does it mean I’ve failed? Just this week but not overall.

Does it mean I’M a failure? No, of course not.

Is it an excuse to give up like I’d normally do and go back to what I know and is “safe” in some weird way? Fuck, no!

I’ll dry my cheeks, cuddle my kittycats and jump back on the wagon because failing is only ok IF you keep trying to succeed.

I’m learning.

I’m redefining failure to me.


bty xx



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do you ever find yourself sifting through facebook for ghosts from your past?

i’m refering to living ghosts…ya know, past friends, colleagues, etc.

i know some people do this and friend every person they’ve ever known in life and if that’s you, great. Not for me. I truly believe life leads us in different directions for reasons. I’m not going to say I haven’t desperately wanted to reconnect with certain people from my past but not all of them.  Most of the time i pretend to not remember them just to get out of some shitty small talk.

i do the Facebook Creep just to see what they’ve been up to since i vanished from their world…
i do it more often than i’d like to admit.  of course, i’m a decent human and i wish happiness, love and all good things (for most of them) but i  do wonder if they ever miss me. or was i forgettable? do they ever think about me or the fun we had? do they even hold onto one memory of me?
is this pathetic? be honest, i can take it.

certain people i have reconnected with, friended and its been amazing. others i have friended but find after a few months we have drifted away again.  most of the time i just sneak away without leaving a trace. except those awful instances where i’ve hit like on a picture or even clicked add friend accidentally and panicked then deleted as fast as possible! phew.


i swear, no more creeping…

~bty x

p.s. ive been humming this in my head while writing this post…


the grudge

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the grudge

im a grudge holder.

to the extreme.

one particular grudge ive held onto since elementary school. she was one of the numerous ‘Ali’s i grew up with. so many Alisons they insisted on all being called Ali and then the initial of their surname. no joke. and this one was Ali G. again, no joke.

she was to haunt me forever..who knew it would be in the form of a comedic jewish boy from england.

anyway, she was evil. maybe she still is. ive heard she designs her own shoes and is a marketing director. good for her….under my muttered grumbles.
she probably doesnt spent a second thinking about me or what she did to me back then but i think about her too often. and i still feel anger. deep childish anger, towards her.

she was the first. and i would like there to be a last. but how do you stop holding grudges? i dont live my life in anger but, when pushed, i can go to a bad place with it. a bad place for me, no one else. im the only one who suffers from it.

its something that i need to fix. its an awful feeling, holding a grudge.

and now i keep thinking about the movie. ive never seen it. it scares me a little. im a suck when it comes to shitty scary movies. im so jumpy.


grudges, i will conquer you!!

Love yourself.


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