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do you promise not to tell?

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do you promise not to tell?

Secrets.
Some people love secrets.
For me, secrets are a subcategory of lies. And ive done enough lying in my life.
I don’t mean those silly little lies that save some ones hurt feelings or stop nuclear fallouts…mind you im not one to shy away from confrontation do i struggle with telling the little lies, too. I mean the big suckers.
Theres a lot i don’t say here because of secrets and lies. Its hard because i know in some way they need to be kept for some time but i cant stand being limited by someone elses choices.
Its also a struggle for me because for 5 years of my life I was told to lie to someone i loved by someone i loved. And i still struggle with the guilt and shame of those years and all if the hurt it caused. And yes, i know i was just a child and none of it was my fault. I know this, deeply, but i still have those feelings…and i have to acknowledge them. I no longer allow those feelings to make me feel like bad person or feed any negative thoughts but its been a long hard road to get to here and i wont let that happen again.

 

bty xx

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a gift for me.

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a gift for me.

When the deceased is someone who has hurt you, deeply, you can struggle with feelings of regret, guilt and shame.

Please hear this, you did nothing wrong. It’s grief.

You were only protecting yourself from more pain. How were you to know if he had changed? He never apologized or took ownership of the hurt he caused you. He didn’t make it easy to forgive him. But you eventually did. Maybe not all the way, but most if it. And you tried. You tried to make him a part of your life, again. A new part for him. No more, the dad. Maybe a friend?
The future will hold that secret forever. And thats ok. You loved eachother as best you could. You started to like him, again….and he knew it.
The months and years without speaking arent your fault…they just were. You cant regret those missed moments when they were never yours to have, anyway. He had those with others…and thats ok, too.
You did nothing wrong.
Its the grief.

Much love.

dont worry, just be.

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dont worry, just be.

worrying is such a silly useless emotion isnt it? i mean, anger, happiness, sadness are necessary and serve a purpose but worrying? really? it just stresses you out and causes more worry. its like an emotional tumour. i hate it. FUCK YOU WORRY!

im really good at not being worried. i can often talk myself out of it in a very logical way. worry is a great way to waste energy. energy that could be used for good. like loving someone, laughing, rubbing a kitty cat’s belly..you know the awesome stuff in life. ¬†also, worry does nothing to solve the problem youre worrying about and often, worry precedes the problem itself…sometimes there isnt even a problem but lots of worry.

see what i mean? worry sucks!

of course, i have experienced worry but i only worry when i truly have to, that is until recently and now i have complete empathy for those who worry constantly. its practically debilitating and encompasses almost every thought during the waking day. its horrible!

i hope this was the last of it for me. i really didnt enjoy it at all. it made me feel hungry and rage-y…much like steroids. i dont like steroids either.

 

bty xx

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