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do you promise not to tell?

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do you promise not to tell?

Secrets.
Some people love secrets.
For me, secrets are a subcategory of lies. And ive done enough lying in my life.
I don’t mean those silly little lies that save some ones hurt feelings or stop nuclear fallouts…mind you im not one to shy away from confrontation do i struggle with telling the little lies, too. I mean the big suckers.
Theres a lot i don’t say here because of secrets and lies. Its hard because i know in some way they need to be kept for some time but i cant stand being limited by someone elses choices.
Its also a struggle for me because for 5 years of my life I was told to lie to someone i loved by someone i loved. And i still struggle with the guilt and shame of those years and all if the hurt it caused. And yes, i know i was just a child and none of it was my fault. I know this, deeply, but i still have those feelings…and i have to acknowledge them. I no longer allow those feelings to make me feel like bad person or feed any negative thoughts but its been a long hard road to get to here and i wont let that happen again.

 

bty xx

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creep.

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creep.

do you ever find yourself sifting through facebook for ghosts from your past?

i’m refering to living ghosts…ya know, past friends, colleagues, etc.

i know some people do this and friend every person they’ve ever known in life and if that’s you, great. Not for me. I truly believe life leads us in different directions for reasons. I’m not going to say I haven’t desperately wanted to reconnect with certain people from my past but not all of them.  Most of the time i pretend to not remember them just to get out of some shitty small talk.

i do the Facebook Creep just to see what they’ve been up to since i vanished from their world…
i do it more often than i’d like to admit.  of course, i’m a decent human and i wish happiness, love and all good things (for most of them) but i  do wonder if they ever miss me. or was i forgettable? do they ever think about me or the fun we had? do they even hold onto one memory of me?
is this pathetic? be honest, i can take it.

certain people i have reconnected with, friended and its been amazing. others i have friended but find after a few months we have drifted away again.  most of the time i just sneak away without leaving a trace. except those awful instances where i’ve hit like on a picture or even clicked add friend accidentally and panicked then deleted as fast as possible! phew.

 

i swear, no more creeping…

~bty x

p.s. ive been humming this in my head while writing this post…

 

fat.

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fat.

Its a selfie kinda morning and yes, i filtered the bejesus outta this photo.
So this being super fat thing is hard. Its embarrassing. Its humiliating. Its depressing.But im beating it. And a big part of that journey is loving myself more than all that other shit…yes of course more than eating badly or not exercising but also, loving myself more than feeling ashamed or humiliated. Getting past what others think of me. Trusting that those who love me wont judge me.

So i dont venture outside my home much at all. For various reasons…mainly because walking or standing for long periods gives me major pain.
But today, today i am telling that pain to FO and im gonna walk around my back garden. Im still anxious about falling on the wet ground so rainy days im sticking to home. Drier days id like to get around the block.

Here i go!
Dont wish me luck, send me strength and positive energy xxxx
Much love.

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