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when you’re a stranger.

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when you’re a stranger.

I moved. I moved almost two months ago. I moved house. I moved town. I moved country. I moved continent.

With me moved a husband and two gorgeous felines, none of them having moved this far, if at all, prior to this.

Oh, and we were busy doing small reno on our former home as we will be renting it. fun times.

I’ve mentioned in a previous post how I rarely stress out or worry in my daily life. I’m a bag of anxiety now. This process has affected me to my core. So much more than i wanted to acknowledge but here it is…panic attacks almost daily for the first couple of weeks after the move. I’m a wreck, still, but not everyday.

Moves are always tough. That’s change for ya. I feel like the move home is the toughest of all. Not only are you starting over…you’re having to start over in a familiar place with familiar people…a familiar life but however many years later. So you end up feeling lost. Trying to navigate yourself through this familiar world that has forgotten you.

Everyone has moved on cause that’s what people do after you leave. How do you reintroduce yourself into someone’s life? Especially with grown up children who were young when you left and adults upon your return….they’ve definitely got more priorities than me and its a hard reality for me to be confronted with. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve she’d a few tears over it. Then I recognize I’m the older one who needs to cop on and keep trying. Keep texting. Keep dming. Keep msging. Whatever it takes. I can’t give up. They’re stuck with me.

A stranger at home.

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the grudge

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the grudge

im a grudge holder.

to the extreme.

one particular grudge ive held onto since elementary school. she was one of the numerous ‘Ali’s i grew up with. so many Alisons they insisted on all being called Ali and then the initial of their surname. no joke. and this one was Ali G. again, no joke.

she was to haunt me forever..who knew it would be in the form of a comedic jewish boy from england.

anyway, she was evil. maybe she still is. ive heard she designs her own shoes and is a marketing director. good for her….under my muttered grumbles.
she probably doesnt spent a second thinking about me or what she did to me back then but i think about her too often. and i still feel anger. deep childish anger, towards her.

she was the first. and i would like there to be a last. but how do you stop holding grudges? i dont live my life in anger but, when pushed, i can go to a bad place with it. a bad place for me, no one else. im the only one who suffers from it.

its something that i need to fix. its an awful feeling, holding a grudge.

and now i keep thinking about the movie. ive never seen it. it scares me a little. im a suck when it comes to shitty scary movies. im so jumpy.

weird.

grudges, i will conquer you!!

Love yourself.

 

roses, cowls and kittens, oh my!

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rosesblog

Not that im the busiest person in the world at the moment, i definitely could be doing more marketing/advertising for my jewellery. Im still learning what works and what doesnt…please leave advice for me if youve found something that works for you!

but even the slackers among us deserve some downtime from whatever it is we’ve been doing. today is one of those days. i woke up much later than usual and remembering id cancelled my therapy appointment for the afternoon. ive not been making any new jewellery on my husbands advice of selling what i have first. ive turned my head back to crochet and a big incentive was that i actually sold one of my boobie hats, without any advertisement of the shop or my wares! another German sale…hey ill sell them to anyone anywhere! i think theyre great.

hhcollage

The Handy Hooker on Etsy.
sunshine rag rug, crochet kitten, boobie hat.

It always feel great to sell something youve created to someone, especially when that someone is a stranger in a faraway land.

in the past few nights ive crocheted two kitten toys (one black and one white) and ive started two cowls. one for a close friend of mine and another to possibly list on Etsy. ive been thinking a lot about my Hooker shop and whether or not i should shut her down. i love to crochet. do i love it as much as making jewellery? i think i do but in a different way. im finding i love crocheting for family and friends and doing it once in awhile and posting a few things here and there. with jewellery i find i could just make it all the time for everyone. i almost feel addicted to it. to the creative freedom it gives me. a feeling ive never experienced before.

so today, and the last few days, have been a break from that high. and it feels good. it feels good to handle some hooks and yarn. to know that i can walk away from the wire and beads and still want to do it but not only do that, creatively.

 

im not sure how much sense all that made…but i didnt have my therapy today. so forgive me and just nod and smile ;)

~bty

xo

 

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