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do you promise not to tell?

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do you promise not to tell?

Secrets.
Some people love secrets.
For me, secrets are a subcategory of lies. And ive done enough lying in my life.
I don’t mean those silly little lies that save some ones hurt feelings or stop nuclear fallouts…mind you im not one to shy away from confrontation do i struggle with telling the little lies, too. I mean the big suckers.
Theres a lot i don’t say here because of secrets and lies. Its hard because i know in some way they need to be kept for some time but i cant stand being limited by someone elses choices.
Its also a struggle for me because for 5 years of my life I was told to lie to someone i loved by someone i loved. And i still struggle with the guilt and shame of those years and all if the hurt it caused. And yes, i know i was just a child and none of it was my fault. I know this, deeply, but i still have those feelings…and i have to acknowledge them. I no longer allow those feelings to make me feel like bad person or feed any negative thoughts but its been a long hard road to get to here and i wont let that happen again.

 

bty xx

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the grudge

Posted on
the grudge

im a grudge holder.

to the extreme.

one particular grudge ive held onto since elementary school. she was one of the numerous ‘Ali’s i grew up with. so many Alisons they insisted on all being called Ali and then the initial of their surname. no joke. and this one was Ali G. again, no joke.

she was to haunt me forever..who knew it would be in the form of a comedic jewish boy from england.

anyway, she was evil. maybe she still is. ive heard she designs her own shoes and is a marketing director. good for her….under my muttered grumbles.
she probably doesnt spent a second thinking about me or what she did to me back then but i think about her too often. and i still feel anger. deep childish anger, towards her.

she was the first. and i would like there to be a last. but how do you stop holding grudges? i dont live my life in anger but, when pushed, i can go to a bad place with it. a bad place for me, no one else. im the only one who suffers from it.

its something that i need to fix. its an awful feeling, holding a grudge.

and now i keep thinking about the movie. ive never seen it. it scares me a little. im a suck when it comes to shitty scary movies. im so jumpy.

weird.

grudges, i will conquer you!!

Love yourself.

 

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